


Wake Me Up Inside

by GothicPrincessWitch



Series: Bring Me 2 Life - Da Goffik Verse [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Anders is an ass, Goffik!Anderz, M/M, My Immortal AU, Questions & Answers, Templars are preps, Unabashed Twilight references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 17:13:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9501914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GothicPrincessWitch/pseuds/GothicPrincessWitch
Summary: The collection of all the questions and answers for the Ask Goffik!Anderz event on Tumblr, a tie-in to Bring Me 2 Life, the My Immortal AU fic. Here Anders Dark'ness Lacrymosa Ember Justice Way answers all the questions you never needed to know the answers to, and he reveals his unholy wisdom and goffik secrets.





	

  
_**"What's your favorite book?"** (submitted by Non-bunnary)_

  
  
itz so gr8 dat U asked dis qwestion bcuz i am such a literary kind of person. i luv books and reed lik all teh time. i consider myself a very intellectual purson. itz Y im so gr8 at writting manifestos! everybody LOVES my manifestos. i take dem to every neighborhood in Lowtown and Hightown so dat I can spread my message of peace and harmony because meges R better than every1 else, so we deserve to B free!  
  
as for my fave book, itz totes definitely New Moon, the second Twilight book. U probably haven’t heard of it before, but it’s a reelly relly gud book! it’s practically the story of my life bcuz it’s about star-crossed lovers who are torn apart by circumstances and must find their way beck 2gether again! my supah hawtt boyfriend Garrett Hawke is my own personal Edward Cullen. he’s like so sexah and has golden brown eyez just lik a vampyre! if Hawke were 2 go 2 Tevinter and rip off his shirt so that his sparkling abs wud get him killed by an ancient magickal vampyre cult, i would so totally rush dramatickly across de world 2 save him! i would fling my armz around him and crei, “do not do it, Hawke! i love U and we R meant 2 B 2gethah forevah!”  
  
and he would say, “i cannut bare 2 live without U, Anderz Dark'ness Lacrymosa Ember Justice Way! let me love U 4 all eternity!” and den we would cry sexily together and stare at eech odder dreamily 4 hours just like Bella and Edward!  
  
Hawke definately pushes me away 4 my own protection sometimes, just like Edward Cullen, which is so sexah of him, but sometimes i get annoyed that he pushes me a little 2 much bcuz den he spendz 2 much time wif dat pozer elf.  
  
Fangz 4 da gr8 question, non-bunnary!

  
  
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_**"hey anderz, why did you hit on hawke so soon after the death of karl?"** (submitted by anonymous)_

  
hi anon! dis is such a gud question bcuz Hawke haz asked me dat himself! lemme tell U all about it.  
  
my first boyfirend and love uf my life wuz karl bcuz we met at da circle at kinlock an spent all our tim makin out. we were so supah hawtt 2gether, but de tamplar prepz were jelluz of our pure gothic love. he wuz sent away, and i was loked away to be tortured by my abject goffik loneliness wif only da darkness 4 company! but den after circumstances brought us back 2gethah, he was turnt into a cold empty shell filled wif a goffik abyss. so i stabbed him to free him frum hiz eternal prison. but as i was mourning, a beam of moonlight shone upon the mercenary i had blackmail– i mean, that i had asked 2 help me. dat wuz when i knew dat Garrett Hawke waz meant 4 me bcuz he came 2 me in my ddarkest hour and called me glowing!  
  
if i didn’t haf Hawke den i wud be all alone in the goffik darkness agen, but Hawke waz dere wif me! he cam 2 me an asked me about B'Loodi Venjens, and i knew dat if he did not luv me in dat moment he wud not hav come back to my clinic. we were made 4 eech odder, U C! he iz da troo love of my life, and he was so concerned about not controlling my thoughts when i told him dat i wanted him. the handz of fate brought us 2gethah, and i know in my blak goffik heart dat we wil be in love forevah! how can any1 doubt my deepest of feelings?  
  
when i told Hawke dis, he was speechless, and i knew he wuz 2 stunned 4 words becauase of da depth of our affection. love lik ours cannut B put into words so eazily!

  
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_**"yknow anderz, i think the alt romance outfits are just adorable. bela and fen with the little red favor around their arm/wrist, and ofc merrills magical girl armour. youre obviously quite fashion forward, and obvs totes in love with hawke; why dont you have one?"** (submitted by anonymous)_

  
  
wut do U mean, anon? i show my luv 4 Hawke every day! my outfits and sense of goffik fashun R impeccable! any time i wear a blood red acccent in my outfit it is a symbol of my undying love 4 Hawke bcuz he wears a goffik streak of blood across hiz face, so we match bcuz we are da trooest cupple of all! i do nut need to change my style 4 my boyfriend – he shud change hiz 2 B more goffik lik me! at least he has dat sexah blak and red leather armor dat he got after we fought dat dragon. it iz very goffik and awesome and so much better than that ugly outfit wif da vest and da purple sleeves dat he used 2 wear. i just wish he would have kept all da clothes i got him when i stole his wallet, bought him da most goffik of all outfits, and put dem in his drawers when he wasn’t home. it duzn’t make any sense 2 me Y he was so upset about dat. i wuz just trying to help him bcuz i am a gud boyfriend!  
  
an wut R U suggesting, anon? dat da pozer elf iz wearing that blood red cloth on his wrist bcuz he loves Hawke? dat cannut be possible bcuz he can’t even imagine what luv is, let alone B capable of loving MY sexah boyfriend. just bcuz he started wearing it after dey had da sex when he was trying to steel my Hawke frum me does NUT meen dey are 2gether! U R mean, anon! Y do U hate meges?! Y do U support mege oppreshun?!?!1111

  
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_**"Anderz, what is da meaning of life?"** (submitted by Archdemonblood)_

  
  
Hi best frend Archdemonblood! U R so cool and goffik, and fangz 4 asking dis question! Obviously i know da meaning of life because i am da smartest, most intelligent, and wisest mage evah! dere iz no mage, no person or thing in dis world who haz suffered as much sweet goffik torment as i have, and dat haz made me very wise indeed. just the wizest! so i will tell U dis secret dat iz da meaning of life, but only bcuz we are SUCH gud friends dat U are worthy of dis knowledge!  
  
da meening of life iz freedomz 4 mages. mages shud rule over everything and everyone bcuz we R so much more powerful and amazing and goffik than all these preps, posers, and wannabes. dat’s what dey did wif da Tevinter Imperium b4 sum stoopid jellus prepz decided to go on an exalted march and threw dem down and den locked all da mages up in circular prisons. dis iz Y prepz R evil!!!!! dis iz Y prepz must be overthrown! i will light up the skies wif justice when i show da world dat mages R da best! we R nut 2 B feared! we R 2 B free! Tevinter ROX!!  
  
so U C, my gothic friend, life is all about us. meges who R lik me whoo want 2 B free of oppresshun from da prepz. dat is da meaning of life!  
  
(isn’t dat so profound? i told U i was wize!)

  
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 ** _"Dear Anderz, what if fenris' best quality? (You have to pick one)_** ❤️❤️goff5eva❤️❤️" _(submitted by theoxfordcommando)_  
  


i do NUT lik dis implication dat he has any good qualities! U worded dis very unfairly! U must be a mage-hating prep! no wonder U R asking about dat elf. Hmph. Well. since u included da “goff5evah” in ur qwestion, i suppose i can answer, since i’m so much better than U and all. i guess if i were FORCED at dagger-point to name one thing dat’s ok about him, it would be those dark circles under his eyes. have U seen dem? it takes me so much eyeshadow to pull off dat look, and he has it naturally! it’s so unfair! he is a fake goth, not a reel goff lik me, so he shouldn’t have such perfektly gothic eyes! dey give him such a sexy mysterious emotional moody look, and he should NOT have dat! he does not deserve 2 be gothic! he hates meges and wants my boyfriend! ugh, i hate dat boyfriend-steeling pozer!

  
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_**"Deer AnderZ, Where is the best place to get a pair of knee high black leather combat boots with platform soles? (U seem like the kind of guy who would kno)"** (submitted by theoxfordcommando)_

  
  
OK, dis qwestun iz much better! U might think da best place might B Hot Topik, but it reelly iz not! Hot Topic iz a gr8 place 2 get goth stuff, but it is not da best. dey R 2 mainstream there! da last time i went shopping at Hot Topik, dere was so much stuff dat was all pop culture and memes and anime and Disney and Star Wars, and it made me so deprezed bcuz dese are not gothic! ppl who lik nerdy stuff should go find their own store and leeve da troo goffs alone! i couldn’t even find any Black Veil Brides or Megadeth t-shirts in my size! dis makes me fall 2 da ground in despair! Y must pozers ruin everything?!?!11111  
  
da best place 4 da boots U R describing, knee high black leather combat boots wif platform soles, would be da website www.GoodGoth.com. dey would be able to help U get the goffik boots of your darkest dreams! leave Hot Topik 2 da fake goths, and shop at small independent websites.  
  
Hot Topik is mainstream ok! it iz run by da Man! U do not want to be associated wif da Man, do U? da Man hates mages! U do not want to be a mage-hating pozer, do U? i didn’t think so.

  
  
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 _ **"Der anderZ, Wat is ur boi friend hawkes SEXIEST feature??!??!!**_ (☠️MCR ROX☠️)" _(submitted by theoxfordcommando)_

  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY SATAN I AM SO EXITED 2 GET DIS QUESTION! my boyfriend Garrett Hawke is da sexiest boyfriend in all of Thedass! dere is no 1 in da world as amazingly hawtt as he is! if i had 2 narrow it down 2 only 1 feeture dat iz da sexiest, den i would have to say his lucious, hairy, raven-blak goffik beard. have U seen dat beard? look at dat beard! gaze upon it its glory in wonder and awe! it is da most beautiful beard of all time! no1 will ever have as awesome or as goffik a beard as this! sometimes when he’s talking and i’ve stopped paying attention (he likes to go on about his stupid friends i don’t like, so i dunt always lissen) i like to dream about rubbing hiz beard all over my face. U know how cats rub their cheeks against other cats and people dey love? i want him to rub his bear against me! and da rest of my body 2! when he and i finally do the sex 2gether, i want to feel hiz beard all over my whole goffik body! i want 2 make love 2 his beard! it iz a gr8 beerd, da sexiest of beards!  
  
aren’t U so jellus of me and my perfekt goff boyfriend? we R so amazing!

  
  
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_**"Hiiii Andersss, when r u nd Garet getting marrid?"** (submitted by anonymous)_

  
  
Oh my Satan i have already planned our wedding it is going 2 be so fuking amazing!!!! it will be super gothic, so it will be in da Bone Pit bcuz of all da goffik bones! (and also bcuz Fenrys hates dat place, so i can rub it in his stoopid mage-hating face, nyah nyah!) i will be wearing one of Vera Wang’s goffik black wedding dresses, but with like a fuck ton of feathers on the shoulders. just so many black feathers everywhere! along with lace-up black boots with spikes along the sides an fishnets and fingerless lace gloves that go to my elbows with ribbons lacing up da sides, and black eyeshadow and black lipstick, obviously! and a big black willowy shroudlike veil dat will make me look so mysterious and goffik and funeral-like. and Garrett Hawke will be wearing sexy black leather bcuz he looks so good in it, and only Varric will B invited bcuz he is de only friend of Hawke’s who likes me, and nobody else can come, and we will have silver wedding rings adorned wif blak diamonds, and i will light up the night sky with blue and blak sparkles of magic, and it will all be so beautiful and romantic, and Garrett Hawke and i will dance the night away together and then finally do the sex a million times and then go and kill every last tamplar prep in Kirkwall as hiz wedding present to me!  
  
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH, so fuking wonderful!  
  
he’s going to propose any day now, i just know it! just a few days i overheard him talking about doing something special for a special someone involving a Tevinter wine called Aggregio Pavalli, and since i’m the only special someone in his life and i love Tevinter bcuz meges R free there and rule evrything like we deserve 2, he’s so obviously planning 2 propose 2 me very soon! which iz good bcuz i bought my wedding dress six years ago, and i might need 2 tailor it a little.  
  
i can’t wait! i’m so fuking exited!!!!1111111111111111111

  
  
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_**"Hai AnderZ, wot do u do to get ur hair so lush? Is it magick?"** (submitted by anonymous)_

  
  
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii anon! of course it iz magic! a combination of majick and bathing in the blood of templar prepz! i take inspiration from Elizabeth Bathory, who bathed in the blood of virgins to keep her eternal youth, so i bathe in the blood of tamplars who come 2 my clinic, and it makes my hair so fuking amazing! i highly suggest trying it out. nobody will miss a few prepz. there R 2 many of dem anyway! da blue streeks in my hair are from B'Lodi Vengenance, so U will have to bcum possessed by a demon in order to get those. or use hair dye, but dat’s not as hardcore and goffik. if U want 2 B a reel goff, and not a wannabe pozer lik Fenrys, U shud do it my way bcuz i am da gr8est mage evah and i know what i’m talking about.  
  
fangz 4 da awesome question!

  
  
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_**"Hiiiii tru goff Anders! What do u think of posers in Frelden Circle, like Wynne or Solona Amell?"** (submitted by anonymous)_

  
  
ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH, i fuking hate dose fuking pozers! dere R WAY 2 many posers in da Fereldan circle! Wynne is SUCH a know-it-all bitch! have U herd da condescending way she talks as if she knows everything? I"M da one who knows everyfing! Not her! she’s an old lady, so she can’t possibly know as much as me! Solona Amell is such a fuking prep! do U know that she and Knit Caption Cullen used 2 have a thing? oh yeah. how gross. who would ever want 2 B wif a tamplar prep wif noodly hair and such an annoying voice? Solona Amell is da second biggest pozer i have evah met (da biggest being da Warden Tabris. i hated him so much – he never listened 2 me when i told him dat elves don’t get locked up or hurt as much as mages do). da gud thing about Amell iz dat she is reelly hot. like so totes completely hawtt. i used 2 follow her around and tell her dat she should go out wif me bcuz i’m so amazing and she should feel awed to have been noticed by someone so much better than her. but she turned me down every time i asked her out! can U believe dat? after i was such a good friend and everyfing! UGH. and then she went off and married another tamplar prep named Alister or sumthing. i don’t give a fuck. de only mage at da Ferelden Circle who was a troo goff lik me (besides Karl) was Uldred. i likd him a lot. he had a lot of good ideas. 2 bad dat stupid Tabris went and killed him. i wish Uldred had met B'Loody Vengeance. i think dey would have gotten along gr8!  
  
fangz 4 da question anon! i know U R a cool reel goff because U knew dey were posers!

  
  
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_**"Hi goffic Anders! How many people have you dated besides Hawke?"** (submitted by anonymous) _

  
  
hi hi hi anon!! dat iz a gud qwestun bcuz not many pple know dis about me. i have dated 3 other ppl besides my amazingly sexah boyfriend Garrett Hawke! da first was Karl, and i had to stab him. it was very tragic and i creid blak bloodi tearz over dis goffik tragic death dat seperated us forever. Y iz fate so cruel and twisted?! da second person i dated was Velanna. she was this stupid elf prep i met when i was wif da Warden Tabris, and she was supah hawtt, and i catcalled her da moment we met, and she didn’t like me at all, so of course i spent every moment hitting on her. we never did da sex, though, very sadly. dat dumb pozer Tabris kept interfering every time i tried to make a move. da third person was dis prep spirit named Justiss. he was trapped outside da Fade, and my poor black goffik heart broke for his pain, even though he hasn’t suffered anywhere near as much as I have. so i let him share my body, which is very sexah, and den i turned him into a goff, and he converted to Stanism and became a demon of vengeance! dat’s how awesomely goffik i am. but none of dese are as dear 2 me as my boyfriend Hawke. he’s totes da best! i’m going over to his estate in Hightown tonit 2 watch him sleep and drop off a copy of my manifesto! fangz 4 da question!

  
  
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_**"Anderz, how did u plan the Mage rebellion should have turned out?"** (submitted by Alyssa_Allyrion)_

  
  
well, obviously it didn’t go as planned. what was supposed 2 happen is dat dumb prep sebesten wud blow up with elthina and all da odder dumb old ladies and all other stupid people who go to the chantry for purposes other than making sexual blasphemous comments about Andraste, and den Knit-Comodor Meredith would kill all da circle mages, and den my amazing boyfriend Garrett Hawke and i would swoop across Thedass calling all mages to rise up against dis oppreshun becase dey killed a circle full of innocent mages and so derefor dey must all die! den da mages would be free bcuz we wud kill all da preps and den we would rule all of Thedass! meges R da best, and anyone who says different is a lying prep. meges would never hurt anyone wif our powers, and dats why we have to kill all da tamplar prepz spreading dese lies!  
  
dunt U think my plan is sooooooooooooo much better dan Fiona’s dumb rebellion plans? way better dan anyfing Vivienne could come up wif!

  
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_**"Anderz, da darkspawn dat raised me say I shud be a better Stanist, but I dunno how. U r such a good Stanist. How can I be better?"** (submitted by Archdemonblood)_

  
it is so gud dat U asked me dis, Demon! as da gr8est goffik mage evah, i am obviously da best Stanist evah! da numba one way to be a better Stanist is to attack anyone who disagrees wif U and call dem petty insults and slurs bcuz how dare dey not share your perfekt opinion! anyone who thinks differently frum U iz cleerly a mage-hating prep, so shut dem down!  
  
da numba two way 2 bcum a better Stanist is to wear da biggest, most garish, most ostentatious upside-down pentagram U can find and 2 tell everyone U meet that you are a satanist. it iz especially important 2 tell anyone wearing a right-side-up pentagram dat dey are doing it wrong and dat love and light is for wimps who can’t handle da reel goffik majickck!  
  
da numba three way 2 be a better Stanist iz 2 wear all blak all da time bcuz if U R not a goffik Satanist, den what R U? U dunt want 2 be a pozer, or we can’t B frends anymore.  
  
fangz 4 asking, Demon! black bloody kisses! XxXxX  
  
<2 <2 <2

  
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_**"If u had to pick, who's the hawttest Templar in Kirkwall?"** (submitted by anonymous)_

  
  
Oh my Satan, what da hell kind of fuking question is dis?! R U a tamplar-loving, mage-hating prep?!  
  
UGH! FINE! if i have 2 pick, den i guess i would say Knit-Caption Cullen. i guess he’s kind of hot, if U go for dat perfect body, perfect skin, perfect hair, chiseled jawline, sexy golden eyes, strong muscles, sexy smile kind of thing. UGH. Y wud i go 4 dat when i have da hawttest boyfriend evah, Garrett Hawke? besides, what odder option iz dere 2 choose? Knit-Commodeore Meredeff? i guess she’s hawtt if U go 4 that powerful, long blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, body built like an amazon, and a sharp commanding voice like a dominatrix kind of thing. which is kinda…. EWWWWW!!!! Y R U making me fantasize about da knet comader?! what is wrong wif U, U sicko?!  
  
U shud think long and hard about Y U want templarz when dere are sexily suffering meges like me!

  
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_**"Hi Anderz, what do u think of Bethany Hawke?"** (submitted by Alyssa_Allyrion) _

  
  
i liked Bethany Hawke. she was my boyfriend’s liddle sister, and she was 2 gud 4 dis world. she was an apostate mage hidding from da tamplar prepz lik me, but 4 some reason Garrett Hawke didn’t lik me hanging around her, even when i was trying to teech her how to be a better goffik mage. He wudn’t even let me convert her to Stanism! it was very unfair! she had such pretty dark brown curly hair like Bella Swan from Twilight, and she had golden brown eyes like my boyfriend’s, and she was pretty hawtt, actually. just not as hawtt as her brother. i reelly liked how powerful and capable of a mage she was as an apostate. she wasn’t a pozer blood mage, and she was so much better than da circle mages. if she’d gone 2 da circle i woulda hated her forevah.  
  
2 bad she died of the Blight in da Dep Roads. but dat’s what happens when Garrett Hawke decides to take a mage-hating pozer elf in his party instead of me, his boyfriend. but perhaps Bethany died bcuz she  was 2 gud 4 da world. if she were still alive, though, she’d probably die in my plan 2 start a war.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to everyone who submitted questions and participated in this event on Tumblr! Hopefully at some point I'll do another one of these sometime, and I'll post it here as well. Love and thanks to everyone enjoying the Bring Me 2 Life verse!


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